I AM BACK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NigI8Kp6UsQ

the reason i haven't been following up on my blog lately is because i've been clusterfucked with work and i've been writing a book lately and it's taking up all my free time.. not that i have any. i occasionally post songs and videos than inspire me in my everyday life, but honestly i haven't even had any inspiration to write about myself here lately. all i can say things are better than they were before, but the thoughts of revenge still hunt me everyday. i'll leave it at that, but ill be back soon enough.

Cheryl Cole feat. Rihanna- Happy Hour [2011]

abandoment.

i feel all alone and rejected, but i guess thats the price you pay for success and fame. i tell the truth and feel like my heart was ripped out. it hurts like hell. i miss my family so much, and memories of my dad pop up here and there... this pain, inner pain seems impossible to tolerate. if i had tears i would cry, but my heart is dehydrated from the previous life that i left behind. what else can i say... i just wish someone would get it. just get it, and be there without judging. but that seems as impossible as getting my dad back alive. i want to make this pain disappear. i want to matter to someone, for them to take a risk on me and be worth it. but i feel like a worthless, abandoned piece of nothing. maybe thats why its so important for me that i make it... to justify that feeling, or maybe to pretend to matter to the world. maybe that is why i chose this profession. to pretend and be someone else, not to have to be myself... bc i wouldn't wish being me to anyone. this eternity of misery. At the end of the day, it doesn't even matter.. bc its what others see, its what i appear to others. The determined, powerful human being...not some darkness hidden in self misery.

Pis'mo Dime.

Tol'ko chto s mamoi po telefonu govorila..Tak po chelovecheski dazhe po vzroslomu pogovorili, dazhe stranno. Mne ona govorit...pochemu bi tebe ne brosit' vse eto. Tol'ko edinici iz vseh probivautsya. Ti zhe sama govorish chto k 30 godam serdechnii pristup zarabotaesh s takim tempom zhizni. Ya vizhu kak tebe tyazhelo, zachem tebe vse eto nado? Vozrashaisya suda k nam, ya vse oplachu i ti zakonchish svoe obrazovanie, chtob uzhe lezhal diplom v karmane i bit' uverennim v zavtreshnem dne.

Znaesh Dim, posle segodneshnego dnya.. eto dolzhno bilo menya dobit'. Ya udivlyaus' sama svoemu terpeniu.

Posle togo kak pogovorila s toboi, mne napisal kakoi to bred Flaviu. Tipo izvini za vcherashnii slova, bla bla bla mi raznie ludi, take care of yourself. Ya estestvenno nichego ne stala otvechat', i voobshe posle segodneshnego dnya mne prosto ne do nego. Tol'ko menya udivlyaet to chto... on sovsem tupoi ili pritvoryaetsya? Ya emu eshe vchera napisala "I am over you". Ya emu vchera skazala chto eti otnosheniya okonchenni, skol'ko raz on budet povtoryatsya..

Posle ya sobralas' na audition, uzhe opazdivala.. spuskaus' a mashina Houstona priparkovana za moei i ego net doma. Ya dumala ya poveshus'. U menya takogo vazhnogo auditiona eshe ne razu ne bilo. Eto nastoyashii fil'm chto budet v kinoteatrah. Koroche on priehal cherez 20 minut. Kogda ya uzhe viehala i stoyala na svetofore, menya odin mudak udaril svoei ebannoi mashinoi. Eshe odna vmyatina. 

Nakonecto ya doehala do auditina.. i tam mne stali ebat' mozg. Posle mozga ebstva mne zaevili, chto tipo molodec, rol' tvoya. Nachinaem snimat' 18 Marta... 

Ya takaya ei rebyata... no ya uletau 24... a vozrashaus' tol'ko v Aprele. Ya ne mogu sdat' bilet, mne nuzhno prava poluchit'. Na chto mne otvetili, izvini milaya.. budut drugii roli i drugie fil'mi.. ne rasstraivaisya! Iza dat menya pohodu prokotili..  Obidno bilo zhutko.. snachala tebe govoryat... vot, vot vse za chto ti borolos' ono tvoe.. a potom, izvini.. kto sledushii??

I znaesh.. samoe udiivetel'noe eto moe spokoistvee. Ya ne znau gde ya emu nauchilas', i otkuda takaya terpimost' vo mne.. mozhet ya prosto uverenna chto ya vsego dob'us'?

Vo obshem ya skazal mame net. Izvini mam, ti menya ne ponimaesh no ya ne vernus'. Ya tebe blagodarna za vse.. no eto moe. Da slozhno, no mne eto interesno. Ona mne skazala chto ya prozhigau svou zhizn', na chto ya otvetila chto prozhigala bi ya ee esli bi zanimalas' ne lubimim delom. 

Vot takie pryaniki.