abandoment.

i feel all alone and rejected, but i guess thats the price you pay for success and fame. i tell the truth and feel like my heart was ripped out. it hurts like hell. i miss my family so much, and memories of my dad pop up here and there... this pain, inner pain seems impossible to tolerate. if i had tears i would cry, but my heart is dehydrated from the previous life that i left behind. what else can i say... i just wish someone would get it. just get it, and be there without judging. but that seems as impossible as getting my dad back alive. i want to make this pain disappear. i want to matter to someone, for them to take a risk on me and be worth it. but i feel like a worthless, abandoned piece of nothing. maybe thats why its so important for me that i make it... to justify that feeling, or maybe to pretend to matter to the world. maybe that is why i chose this profession. to pretend and be someone else, not to have to be myself... bc i wouldn't wish being me to anyone. this eternity of misery. At the end of the day, it doesn't even matter.. bc its what others see, its what i appear to others. The determined, powerful human being...not some darkness hidden in self misery.