Пап. Сегодня новый год. 2011. Не могу поверить что тебя нет с нами. Я знаю у тебя много дел, много забот. Хотела поздравить тебя, сказать что я скучаю. Что все помню. Почти все. Что мама тоже скучает. Девчонки хорошо. Растут. Я думала Санька тебя не будет помнить поскольку была маленькой, но получилось наоборот. Она как рас токи помнит тебя и думает постоянно. Она как я. Характер точь в точь, мыслит так же... и не может забыть тебя. А Дашка внешне больше как я. Такая легкомысленная. Но ты не волнуйся. У них все будет хорошо. Они такие замечательные сестренки получились. Талантливые, умные, красивые... и конечно без маминых стараний не обошлось. Она их вытягивает в люди. Так что ты больше не волнуйся. У нас все нормально, только тебя не хватает.

А помнишь тот новый год что был последний перед отъездом в Америку. Я тогда была в седьмом классе. Перед новым годом мы с тобой ужасно разругались. Я тебя обозвала а потом убежала к тете Тане... ты меня прости. Я на самом деле никогда не имела это ввиду. Просто в школе услышала слово, не зная что оно значит и оно вырвалось. Это чистая правда. Но тогда я была еще мелкая... пап, я сожалею об этом постоянно. Не могу поверить что могла так тебя оскорбить, пожаилста меня прости. Мне так стыдно до сих пор. Ты мне тогда сказал что никогда не простишь... наверно ты прав. Я себе не могу сама простить. Боже как давно это было, а кажется не давно. Тот новый год... был лучший, самый лучший в моей жизни. Дашка спала, ты, мама и я пили шампанское, шутили и смотрели первый канал. Пап, я помню как ты меня спросил почему я тебя не называю папочкой... это потому что не заслуживаю. Извини. С новым годом! Люблю больше всех!

Целую,

Алена

Красивая ложь.

Хочу чтоб все было красиво. Шампанское в бокале, только "tete de cuvee". Чтоб ты был рядом. Мобильник без звонка. Клубника в шоколаде, стояла для картины. За окном зима. Чтоб без волнений, без капризов. Ты шепчешь лживые слова. Я улыбаюсь...как будто веря. Чтоб читая эту роль, мне было бы совсем не больно. Позднее вспоминая, помнить только шик. И вроде бы, ты любишь а я киваю. Вспоминаю бывшего, а дальше залпом. Чтоб были яркие картины. Смех из груди, и ты казался милым. Чтоб где то слышен фейерверк. А рядом по заказу скрипка. И вновь бокал, чтоб после поцелуй. Закрыв глаза, летая где то. Мыслями лежа на облаках. Убедить себя желая. Чтоб это было счастьем, продажная искорка любви.

thrumming headache.

everything hurts. i don't know which is worse.. the physical or the mental pain i am experiencing right now. this need to write and express it. maybe it will go away if i let it spill. why do ppl always burst my bubble. i like the last lie i was living in. it wrapped me up. so what that is wasn't true, at least it made me happy for spare minutes or even hours. why did my friend have to open my eyes.
reality slapped me back in the face. and why did he have to do it, after such a great night. especially me being in a slightly drunk condition. when everything is a haze and me not able to process information properly. when the emotions are risen. when my head has a thrumming  pain. by body burning, while my feet freezing. something hurting on the side. when i am total fucking mental mess. such horrible timing.. but then again, timing is never right for anything.
you know the worst part about all this? it starts out with me being sad about some shit but always ends up with me hurting about my dad. whatever it is, it is always the same end to my pain. 
it started out bc i found out the guy i am seeing is pretty much my ex number two, except a more hotter and expertise version of him, whose lies are way more dramatic. and alena is so naive that just believes every piece of bullshit that flies by her. i didnt think to google anything until today, until my friend mentioned information about him.
so thats how it started. of course alcohol made it seem more dramatic then it really is. and it all ended with me thinking about my dad and how i miss him. and how life sucks without him. and how i would give anything to talk to him right now. and i don't even have any videos of him. and so yea thats why i am sad!
i couldn't careless about the stupid guy. i just hate being lied to my face, but more than that... i hate being so naive to believe everything without verifying any information. how many times am i going to make the same mistake? what am i a disability child that it takes me so long, then why don't i get handicap parking by the shopping mall?!
i am pissed at myself. too naive. such bad judge of character. i am not 2 anymore and my dad is not here to help decide. he is not here to tell me how to live, although i wish he was. i need him. i need him to tell me how to fucking live. it seems impossible without him. he left too early, i didn't have enough time to suck in all the information.. i would give anything to have another conversation with him. 
i am on my own. time to fucking learn. 
i am so stressed out right now. ppl need to open their eyes and face the truth. there no such thing as a good girl. they are all hypocritical sluts, that use guys for their own value and if there isn't one they drop him on the ass and move on to the next one. while males are cowards that are not capable of any emotion other then the one in their penis area. humans are the most failing experiment there is, bc they are such ignorant animals and it kills me that i am one of them. fucking shit.
i am not going to be upset about some motherfucker. i am upset about myself being an idiot at at times. from now on i am going to do something different and just like myself. actually no, i am going to love myself. passionately and intolerably.
there you have it. the day of alena's life.

Numbness.

I left LA being really attracted to someone. Spending the holidays in FL changed my perspective on a lot of things. Almost like a reality check which I needed. I also saw my ex...
He said all of the necessary things, those right words I wanted to to hear the last time we saw each other which was a while back...but for some reason none of it mattered. Back then, I was convinced what we had was love. Now I am not sure what it was. What is love? Am I capable of loving? Or am I so numb that none of it matters. He was determined to see me, while I didn't care for it. When he finally just showed up to my house and I had no other choice but to hear him out, I had nothing to say.
How many times, did I practice the speech in mind which I would tell him when I saw him. All those things I never got to say. All of those things I hated. I edited it to perfection in mind, but yesterday I had nothing to say, because none of it mattered.  All of a sudden I didn't care if he understood why I despise him. He was a stranger to me. The Alena he knew, died a long time ago. With all of the pain and anger. Now there is just emptiness left and regret for the wasted time.
After he left I looked at our old photos, I didn't even recognize myself. Seems all so far away. None of it mattered. So sad.
After I lived what I lived through, all of the above seems like a stupid game. A waste of time. It doesn't count. I saw life, I saw death... and after seeing death, I was never the same.
One of my guy friends showed my picture to one of his friends and she said I have cold eyes. I think that explains it. People's eyes mirror their soul. My eyes are a mirror of mine. I don't know how this girl without ever meeting, was able to describe me better than I ever could myself.
Whatever we live through, just turns into memories and past.
I am content with my life and even happy at times.
I just don't think anyone is ever going to be able to completely understand where I am coming from, why I am the way that I am and deal with it. They always try to pick my brain for answers that I am not willing to share. The truth that is worse than any lie ever told. The anguish that burns holes inside me. I am content in my constant state of misery. It is what makes me-me.
For them, it's parallel fantasy of their imagination. For me, it's my existence. How can I ever expect anything other than remorse and shock as their reaction. They twist their minds making up plots that they call tales, screen plays movies. I just document my life. No need for imagination. The history has already been made and the plot was set, my job is to adjust and live with it.
The drive for revenge inspires me. I lost the ability to be joyful through out life.
This is me. With the demons inside of me. This is the unsightly truth.

urge for the truth.

i feel...intolerable urge for attention sometimes. its not something i can control, its not something i can explain, its just there at times and anything can cause it. jealousy at most cases. it doesn't happen often, maybe bc i don't get jealous that much... but when it does, its like there is an itch inside of me that wont stop bothering me until satisfaction is achieved.

i want to run, i want to hide from myself. the ppl in my life expect to get some kind of emotion or feedback from me. they want clarity and explanation of my actions...but how can i do that if i can't figure it out myself. my desires change so often. maybe i am bipolar or something. i mean i know what i want exactly, but i seem to be having a hard time getting across to other ppl. i get blamed for being cold, but that is not true... i am just consumed with my pain and perhaps have no room for any other emotions. or maybe i am too realistic to fall for any of that emotion crap others speak of. i have my actions predicted several steps ahead. what they love is lust. what they call feeling are actually hormones.
i am not lonely just because i like to be alone. i dont think a person can be lonely unless they are bored with their own company, in that case that is just pathetic.
i am not looking for my other half, i was born a whole. i enjoy my own company and appreciate silence, along with productivity. if thats antisocial, then so be it.
but sometimes other make life so unnecessarily complicated. i don't get why. things are so blunt and simple. no need for dragging things on. why cant ppl just stop being cowards and say it how it is.
why cant you look into my eyes and tell me what you want from me. i want you to. i need you to.

Гуф ft Город Рифм ft Mr. Shadow - Весна by liforsash

Гуф ft Город Рифм ft Mr. Shadow - Весна by liforsash

Гуф ft Город Рифм ft Mr. Shadow - Весна by liforsash

I dedicate this song to this one person and the things he said last night. The lyrics in it, say it better than I ever could. Too bad he doesn't speak Russian.
(You can find the music player on the bottom of the page if you would like to pause the music there and listen to this.)

Она одна… Она не верит в мои слова… 
Странно, но за окном уже не та весна… 
Одна тоска – она съедает изнутри. 
Пусто в квартире, пусто и в её груди… 
И ты читаешь сообщения, ища причины; 
Ищешь мои ошибки, но ошибалась ты. 
И за ответом ты идёшь, скользя по краю, 
Не зная, что будет дальше, впереди… 
…она молчала, пытаясь спрятать слёзы; 
Пыталась убежать от мыслей, но не смогла… 
И вновь – луна; и вновь, ложится спать одна… 
Ждёт звонка, но в ответ – лишь тишина… 
И, вроде бы, до рая подать было рукой, 
Но ты упорно продолжала лететь на огонь, 
Как мотылёк ночной сгорая в этом пламени… 
…расскажи как жить, и Я построю жизнь заново…

Припев:
Весеннее солнце не растопит лёд,
Но память о прошлом всё ещё живёт…
Дням потерян счёт… Но Я знаю наперёд,
Что, однажды, ко мне счастье, всё-таки, придёт!
Весеннее солнце не растопит лёд,
Но память о прошлом всё ещё живёт…
Дням потерян счёт… Но Я знаю наперёд,
Что, однажды, ко мне счастье, всё-таки, придёт!

Seven:
Новый вечер подходит к закату как-то странно:
Они вдвоём теперь только лишь на кадрах…
Он позвонил – поздно или рано – уже не важно –
Сказав, что всё, что было "нашим", уже – "вчерашнее"…
…дрожь в груди. Короткие гудки прервали разговор.
Пора идти, но нету сил больше…
Боже, помоги! – вижу: она не "в сети";
Пишу в "offline": "Люблю!" – но отправляю лишь: "Прости"…
…за окном – дожди… Внутри серых квартир
Бегут часы. Я вижу, как гаснут огни…
А Я сижу один, вдыхая дым; включил себе мотив,
Пишу о ней и что было у них с ним…
Процесс необратим и уже, видимо, поздно
Загадывать желание, пока падают звёзды…
И это солнце не растопит лёд,
Но память о прошлом всё ещё живёт…

Припев:
Весеннее солнце не растопит лёд,
Но память о прошлом всё ещё живёт…
Дням потерян счёт… Но Я знаю наперёд,
Что, однажды, ко мне счастье, всё-таки, придёт!
Весеннее солнце не растопит лёд,
Но память о прошлом всё ещё живёт…
Дням потерян счёт… Но Я знаю наперёд,
Что, однажды, ко мне счастье, всё-таки, придёт!

Mr. Shadow:
Я вновь гуляю под дождём… Опять один…
Наедине с мыслями… Весенний сплин…
Всё порвано опять, хотя связать пытался
Наши души воедино, но старания напрасны…
Мы слишком разные… Как лёд и пламя.
Зачем ввязался Я в эту игру? – и сам не знаю…
Прости, родная, но Я к тебе прирос душою.
Ухожу… Ухожу сейчас, хотя и больно…
Понимаю: Я не твой идеал парня:
Слишком ревнив, избалованный слишком вниманием,
Слишком много требую, слишком много вредных привычек…
Да, Я, явно, не подарок – слишком много "слишком"…
Не скрывал ничего и – стал тебе неинтересен…
Слышу это в словах, вижу в глазах и в поведении…
Я жму на "Stop" и говорю: "Прощай"…
…весна fake-love смывает каплями дождя

the return.

i was right, as always. 
it took some time, but i couldn't live without publicly recording and sharing my thoughts.
my last blog i ended up deleting right before i moved to los angeles. it became a little more popular than i hoped it would and the personal thoughts, were viewed by more than just strangers.
at first, i didn't mind the input of those who didn't know much about me, but when my friends got a hold of it, it was more than i was willing to share with them.
over 6 months has passed. my life took a different path.
i feel the need to record my emotions, my so called "philosophical" thinking and things that inspire me.
maybe i'll make it a little less personal and not write as much about they journey of dealing with my fathers death, the revenge and the hate. less about the relationships with my exs and more about my career which has completely swept me off my feet and gave me a second chance to live. it is my shining light at the end of the dark tunnel. it gave me hope for the future which i didnt have nor ever desired of recognizing. it is the reason i wake up each morning. it is my stem from which i am determined to grow thick, strong roots from. my career is my everything. i am in love with success and no one will come between the two of us. 
sounds obsessing? thats because it is. 
i've settled for much less than i should in my life before. i let others walk all over me. convince me that i am not worthy, that i need to stop dreaming bc it is not happening. they were all wrong.
i don't need you to believe in me, it is enough that i believe in myself.