everything hurts. i don't know which is worse.. the physical or the mental pain i am experiencing right now. this need to write and express it. maybe it will go away if i let it spill. why do ppl always burst my bubble. i like the last lie i was living in. it wrapped me up. so what that is wasn't true, at least it made me happy for spare minutes or even hours. why did my friend have to open my eyes.
reality slapped me back in the face. and why did he have to do it, after such a great night. especially me being in a slightly drunk condition. when everything is a haze and me not able to process information properly. when the emotions are risen. when my head has a thrumming pain. by body burning, while my feet freezing. something hurting on the side. when i am total fucking mental mess. such horrible timing.. but then again, timing is never right for anything.
you know the worst part about all this? it starts out with me being sad about some shit but always ends up with me hurting about my dad. whatever it is, it is always the same end to my pain.
it started out bc i found out the guy i am seeing is pretty much my ex number two, except a more hotter and expertise version of him, whose lies are way more dramatic. and alena is so naive that just believes every piece of bullshit that flies by her. i didnt think to google anything until today, until my friend mentioned information about him.
so thats how it started. of course alcohol made it seem more dramatic then it really is. and it all ended with me thinking about my dad and how i miss him. and how life sucks without him. and how i would give anything to talk to him right now. and i don't even have any videos of him. and so yea thats why i am sad!
i couldn't careless about the stupid guy. i just hate being lied to my face, but more than that... i hate being so naive to believe everything without verifying any information. how many times am i going to make the same mistake? what am i a disability child that it takes me so long, then why don't i get handicap parking by the shopping mall?!
i am pissed at myself. too naive. such bad judge of character. i am not 2 anymore and my dad is not here to help decide. he is not here to tell me how to live, although i wish he was. i need him. i need him to tell me how to fucking live. it seems impossible without him. he left too early, i didn't have enough time to suck in all the information.. i would give anything to have another conversation with him.
i am on my own. time to fucking learn.
i am so stressed out right now. ppl need to open their eyes and face the truth. there no such thing as a good girl. they are all hypocritical sluts, that use guys for their own value and if there isn't one they drop him on the ass and move on to the next one. while males are cowards that are not capable of any emotion other then the one in their penis area. humans are the most failing experiment there is, bc they are such ignorant animals and it kills me that i am one of them. fucking shit.
i am not going to be upset about some motherfucker. i am upset about myself being an idiot at at times. from now on i am going to do something different and just like myself. actually no, i am going to love myself. passionately and intolerably.
there you have it. the day of alena's life.
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