his life was tragically short.. and if i only count the years he lived as he wanted himself, as he wished... it was only two years.. and then he was killed.
i tired to stay off my blog, not to write about him. about my dad. i only posted things like music videos which inspired me and made me feel some type of emotion, as if it was happiness or maybe pain and passion. but i need to write about him. it's the only time that it feel like he existed, that he was real... and i didn't make up the illusion of my past in my mind. i know i am definite proof, being his daughter that he lived.. but sometimes it seems all so unreal. at times it feels that it all happened yesterday, other times it feels like it never happened. as if it was a nightmare.
my father loved moscow. it was his favorite city, it was where he belonged. i wish to live there again one day, to feel what he felt. to acknowledge why he loved it so much. either way.. it reminds me of him.
it is almost like he was meant to be killed. the great always die young, they always die tragically and there is always a mystery regarding his death. my dad wasn't only the great, he was so most powerful person spiritually. he carried this positive energy around him that was contagious. he made you believe that you were more than what you really are... speaking of him.. is like speaking about alexander the great. isn't it ironic that his name was alexander?
there is a war going on inside me.. the need for revenge is tearing me apart. it is motivating me, it is pushing me forward every single day. i don't know how one can have so much darkness inside of them and so much passion to create, all at the same time.. but i do. there is an area inside of me which i avoid at all causes, bc i am afraid of depression. i know how dark it can get for me.. i've lost my way before.. and i am afraid to end up there again. but there is also this passion to pursue my career. to create.. to explore, to discover.. this is me. at times i feel like i am leading two different lives. my dark passenger that no one sees and ever will.. my mom saw it. and even she, being the strong person that she is, couldn't handle it. and then there is the passionate, fun, caring, loving alena that everyone knows..
but no one sees me when i am alone. have you seen the black swan? where that evil side of her is taking over and driving her nuts.. thats the best way i can explain it. sometimes i just loose it.
the need to know who and why murdered, shot my father. what was so important that was worth the human life. who took away a father from my sisters. who took away a husband from my mother.. who took away my role model.. my everything. i want to fucking destroy them. i need to know... i wont be content. i wont be at piece. this anger inside me is eating me alive. it doesn't get easier with time, you just learn better to hide it from the outside world. you just adjust the "i'm okay" mask on the face.. in reality, when you are alone with yourself... it eats at you. the pain is so powerful that you start biting on your knuckles to make it go away. instead the physical pain is no comparison to the real thing. it hurts so bad you want to fucking die, just not to feel. because that pain is worse than love, passion, anger... its worse... because its the pain of being helpless and death. a ride with no return.
you loose fear.
a lot of ppl are always shocked how i have no fear. how i can perform a scene in front of class and not be nervous.. shocked? well maybe they should loose their everything and will talk about being fearless then. i saw a bullet hole in my fathers face. i saw a dead cold body of my dad. i also saw my mother loose everything in seconds. I WAS the one telling my sisters their dad is dead. i was the one that had to lie to them that their father died in the hospital, bc how do you tell two little children than a bullet went through their dad's head. i was the one.. that had to be strong. nervous? i dont think so. the shit i do to feel the adrenaline rush in my body is nuts. thats a whole different subject.
i lost the ability to feel. i think thats why i went into acting.. bc for moments i can feel something.
there is a thing i still believe in tho.. and its that one day i will get my revenge. i will look the person in the eye that ordered the assassination of my dad. and after i will look them in eyes, i want to kill them.
murder, choke, stab.. i dont care or know how. but its been two years.. and the feeling has gotten worse, not better. they say revenge is best served cold... but what if it never gets cold.
i will wait, and one day i hope to kill everyone that was involved. this is my desire. i may be crazy, but you will be too when one day you have your life taken from you and you have to build everything all over again. i worked my ass off. i joked pain off. i smiled when i wanted to cry. and all for the need to find out the truth. judge me all you want... i dont care. i stopped caring the day he died.
