this scares me. in her interview she speaks of herself as having ocd, being insecure and neurotic. i have the same problems. i don't want to end up by 24 looking like her. she went from being beautiful, to looking fake and way over her age. my concern with insecurities and constant need to improve myself, i am definitely worried that a plastic surgery night mare might end up in future if my flaws scream louder than my brain cells. ocd isn't something you can deal with on your own. i spend hrs at times starring at myself in the mirror studying every imperfection and driving myself nuts. other days i would get so depressed about my looks that i wouldn't leave my apt for days. one time i was trying to get rid on blackheads and as a result destroyed my whole face, just bc i couldn't stop and my whole face was swollen with pain. it was so bad that i had to go get a chemical peal on my face. normally, you are supposed to get 3 or 4 procedures, but after going in for the first treatment the laser was so painful that i never went back. luckily the damage i've done to my face with my acrylic nails at the time wasn't that severe, and one laser treatment was enough. i got my first botox at age 19. the forehead muscles where it was injected, lifted my eyebrows and made me look angry all the time. again i got lucky...botox wares off after a few months and my face was back to normal. i haven't done anything else..but i developed a body dimorphic disorder at the age of 17 and didn't find out about it until later on. i always seemed to myself bigger than i was actually. i found out about it completely accidentally. one night i was in a club with some friends, and this one girl says pointing at a dancer "that girl has exactly the same body as you". i thought she was kidding and told her that i wish i had the same body as her, bc she is so freakishly skinny. everyone looked at me like i was crazy... and told me we were identical. after going to my annual physical, my doctor suggested i seek help from a specialist bc i kept loosing weight to the point where i had no energy. constantly tired, in a bad mood, with migraines. when my weight reached 102 pounds and that being at the height 5'7 i knew i was obsessed with being skinny.
later i stabilized my body weight and now completely healthy, but being obsessed with body image keeps haunting me everyday of my life. i learned to naturally dislike fattening foods, i try not to drink alcohol bc of its calories, every moment is a good work out time. i do leg lifts, sit ups and other ab work outs at the most random places. being physically active became my life. and the sad thing is, no matter how amazing things are at the moment, if i look like shit i will feel lower than the ground. at the same time things can be going like crap but if i feel thin and look great, my smile will be to my ears.
it's truly an obsession. a mental strive for perfection.
due to my constant need in change i honestly fear that i can end up a plastic surgery junkie and a complete wreck. this is not something i want to be addicted to.
i haven't had any procedures done, but i am definitely considering i nose job.
in 10th grade i broke my nose with a tennis racket, in result i ended up with deviated septum and a dif nose bc i never got it fixed. as time passed i started to notice it more. currently i can't even breathe out of my left nostril... so if i were to go get it fixed i might adjust my nose shape to the way it was originally.
currently i am putting a lot of thought into it. i just dont want a renoplasty to change my whole look, but at the same time...i feel like i need it. i am crossing my fingers that i don't come up with any other ideas of things i need adjusted in the time being.
No comments:
Post a Comment