clusterlifefucked.

i know i said i wouldn't write about my dad, but i am suffocating. i cant really breathe. its new years 2011. the last one we spent together was new years 2008. i barely even remember it. i've developed asthma sometime within the last year. i dont even know how its possible i played tennis my whole life, but i guess i forget to breath and after i fainted a couple of times my doctor perscribed me an inhaler. how retarded is that. how does some one forget to breathe. i tell ppl its just alergic asthma... and they seem to buy it. my body is aching of pain... i act joyful, at times i actually am. when the holidays come around i want to cry my eyes out.
how come the only time i cant control my emotions it has to do with my dad. how come tears run uncontrollably, is when it has to do with him... why is this so difficult. two and a half years have passed. why am i not over it. i thought time heals all wounds. why do mine hurt more than ever. why cant i get over it. why do i want to scream. why do my insdes hurt from pain. why. why does my mom have to hurt and hide it every day.
no one knew me better than my father. the older i get, the more i realize how much we have alike. i always wanted to be like him... i tried so hard. when i stopped trying, i formed into my own human being with his qualities which i don't deserve. i am not worthy of being anything like him. he was strong, honest, brave.. intelligent... he was my dad. he led me through life. he was my best friend. this sounds so cheesy to most of the world, but he was. i had no secrets from him. none. this is why it was so difficult for me to become my own self, i learned to rely on his advice.
a second ago i spoke to the guy... that i am seeing back in la. i know i am falling for him, but my stupid wall made of red bricks is hitting the breaks. i just called him to wish him a happy new years and while hearing his voice and trying to sounds as happy as i can, i had tears down my face. i couldn't let it evident to him. it took every bone in my body from telling him the truth. if i ever were, it would be to him. bc he would get it. he might not know how much it hurts, but he wouldnt judge and just accept. but i am would never put that type of pressure on anyone.
i don't know what is it about him, but he knows me without me speaking. it could be our cultures being so similar, or just us as people... but i have only known him a month and i already miss him. his presence makes me forget about the bullshit and pain in my life. he makes me smile, makes me content with myself. i called him... didnt want him to know i was upset... so i spoke. positive. i dont know how i can share these two separate lives in my body. the urge for revenge filled with pain.. and drive and determination to keep living, to reach my goals. he makes that second part of me more evident, brighter and he actually believes in me and wants me to succeed.
why is it, when we want to be alone life throws a person in your life that will sweep you off your feet and prove to you that everything you thought didnt exist, is real.
there are a billion other girls wanting to be loved, searching for a boyfriend, a guy... why dont you go and give them what they want.
i am perfectly fine being alone. i like thinking straight and having my priorities in check. this other something, i didnt ask for, but yet its not leaving and i cant exactly let go.. its almost as life forced this on me. shit happens when we least expect it to.
how can i be happy and miserable at the same time. this is going to drive me crazy and tear me apart.
he believes in me, fuckk... why cant he just be another douchebag. why does he have to be a male version of me. him being, exactly what i would look in opposite sex makes it this much harder. i cared enough to stop leading all the other guys on, and drop the games which says a lot too. wtf... i reallly dont need this in my life. life just a whole fucking plan of its own for us. no matter what we think. we might think we have it all figured out, but right at the turning point it does a whole 180. regardless i am ready for 2011 and i am going to make it happen. for myself. for my dad. for my mother to be proud. i am just going to do it. i am ready... bring it.